bacon wrapped blessings

friends,
I have been on a top-secret mission for the last many moons. So secret, in fact, that I am still not sure what my orders are. I write to you huddled under a walnut shell wearing fake eyebrows. My disguise grows limper by the minute and I fear they will soon lose their adhesive. The sharks continue to swarm with boredom. The plan: throw a bag of Carson's ribs out of the walnut shell and run like hell in the other direction.

Stand by for more correspondence.
with love soaked in sweet baby rays,
rs

Ask the Mandarin Psychologist

Dear Mandarin Psychologist:
Sometimes I throw my cell phone at people, cats and at times parked cars. Now I have no friends and sit at home eating freezer burned fudgey pops all day, all by myself! Now I throw my cell phone at Dr. Phil but he can't respond. Now I'm lonely WITH a cracked TV screen. Help!
Signed,
Major Freak-out


Dear Major Freak-out:
Do You Need Counseling Ask Yourself These Questions?

1. Do you lose your temper daily?
2. Have you ever hit somebody because you have lost your temper?
3. Do you say things you regret or do embarrassing things when you feel angry?
4. Have you broken anything when you are angry? (i.e. Punching through a wall)
5. Do you find yourself getting upset about insignificant things?
6. Do you find yourself in frequent arguments because of your anger?
7. Have you ever been involved in domestic violence?
8. Does drinking alcohol make you more prone to getting angry?
9. Do you inflict pain on your self or others when angry?
10. Do you feel frustrated when trying to express your self?
11. Do you find your self with road rage?

If you threw your phone at your computer screen, you need my help! Buy my info tapes and you'll be back on the road to a happier you!

Signed,
MP

best going away party...ever

.

fin.

we need to talk

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FFK hasn't left his room in three weeks. He has "Bad Mood" by the musical group Helmet playing on repeat. He also has it in three different languages which I find to be quite amazing. The German one makes me frightened. There are now three cracks in the wall underneath our family portrait. I put a sticky note under the door and it got stuck half way under. I don't think he's noticed it and I can't get it off the floor. The note said we need to talk after soccer practice. I saw that method on a television commercial for parenting. I try so hard to be the anti-drug but I don't think it's working. Does that make me the drug? Oh great. I'm probably not an easy one like Misty 100s or a Jolt/pop rocks mix. I'm probably one of the really bad ones like red bull and an 8 ball. Harrumph.

meet the genius

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Dear latest crush,

You'll probably get this late since I don't see you that often. I was going to go to the game Thursday but I had softball practice. I had to go because we DO need practice. And I was going to go Sunday but I had to go to a party.

By the way, remember that ugly bike I was riding? Well I don't have to anymore. I got a 12-speed mountain bike. At least it's better than the other one. But then again anything is better than that.

Oh, don't believe everything you hear about me, half the time people say it to get me mad. You could probably tell by how happy I always look in mass (yeah right). Well, I better get going, I'll see you around! Bye!

p.s. sorry so sloppy, but school's out, summer's here why be neat right?
p.p.s.s. I hope we can be friends
p.p.p.s.s.s Thanks for the picture

Signed,
the genius

get your kicks in 2006!

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My friends have informed me that because a new calendar year has been instated it was mandatory for me to come up with some things that I will promise to do differently in the next 365 days. I will keep a running list to document my progress.
1) Get a trainer: status complete-see attached hyperlink
2) Stop and smell the flowers - IN PROGRESS bought some haven't stopped yet
3) REVISED: TAKE allergy medication - I forgot I'm not on any
4) More pillow fights
5) Get a k9 sidekick - In progress - My baby's momma is a bitch, she had her on 1/1
6) Help Fish-Face get through the hard times
7) Convert all my Run DMC casette tapes to mp3
8) Stop crying
9) Eat a chicken kiev - consumed yesternight w/ broccoli and a noodle dish
10) Stop making people cry
11) Catch up on my Jonathan Winters telecourses - In progress sent away for it
12) Find my inner child and ground her for 2 weeks - tried, she went limp & escaped
13) Take more naps
14) Take less naps when I should be doing something else
15) Get a sub-pump for my subconscience
16) Finish the book I've been scanning for 6 months
17) Recode the DaVinci Code
18) Get my hair styled like Mr. Pantsuit suggested
19) Uncode the DaVinci Code
20) Get some fresh air
21) Find Underpants and Pancho and ask why they haven't written

get off me homes

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Looking for a new pod is like sweet kisses from a dirty vacuum. I am losing strength. All the hallways reek from a combination of ramen noodle soup, lemon pine cleaners and dirty sneakers. The hallways that I can afford with my monthly cash dollars, that is. The sharks are swarming around the smell of new ink on a blank check. I am swarming from the designer imposter cologne. I sit at a sterile desk surrounded by a bustling room of swarming conversations. I would rather see a desk with a hula dancing troll doll and shrunken head of an old family python than nothing. I sense these people are droids, The Pod Droids. They are too quick to hug and keep changing the rules, one dollar sign after the next. I fear their instrumental Nirvana ballads are lulling me into sweet sweet submission. I have talked myself out of everything I wanted. Now I'll wait to see if the droids will give me what I don't want...and I will be excited when I get it.

an amphibian in the esophagus

...and another mouth to feed.

I have decided to keep a log of first audible human interactions from each morning. My attempt is to uncover a consistent correlation between time of day and language choice. Here begins a running list of the first utterances of the day in my general direction.

Wednesday December 14th, 2005
"After you sir, I mean madam."
Findings: Common social bumble...today I donned a freshly lint-rolled top hat and newly shapened handle bar mustache. Note-to-self: These items are typically attributed to stately southern gentleman and male persuaded circus professionals.

Thursday December 15th, 2005
"Thank you."

Friday December 16th, 2005
"Hi are you stuffed up?"