I am a traveler. My mission: to drive through galaxies in search of life forms never before seen. My only nemesis: the Duchess of Hazard who transmits her distraction devices through such things as free cable and bathtubs of unusual sizes. When I finally submit my findings I will be sent home. Until then I will enjoy every alter universe I stumble upon and with them all the chicken rings and santana covers they have to offer. bye-bye. rs

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

The View from Mount Torture

I took a journey to the summit of Mount Torture. I went alone equipped with tales of the creatures that reside in the caves. As soon as the horizon meets my eyes I am surrounded by goons with face masks and search lights. They are convinced that by probing my mouth pearls they will discover the secrets that I keep. I am strapped to a chair and dulled by long needles; each one an attempt to erase my memory. I struggle and kick and writhe until I finally say I cannot take it anymore. Dr. Pain leans over me with a needle the length of the solar system and points it at the cave. She has discovered my safe and sends a jolt right through my mouth touching every nerve, shaking every bone and shocking my system. The excruciating shocks radiate through my body, laughing at every cell and then races out through my feet kicking my body up and sending salty liquid down my cheeks. "Continue." Dr. Pain manages to get the word through her pursed lips. When the download is complete I am unwrapped and kicked out the backdoor with a threat that now I will sit as my nerve slowly dies, never to feel again.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Seniorita Panic Blouse

Her name is Tina. Tina is a wreck. Tina clutches her papers and paces back and forth. Her commander will lose his upper lip if she botches Mission Unload the Snow. I am perched on a straight back chair leering at her. My arms are wrapped around my knees because the cooling jets are at full blast straight into my face. My teeth are chattering. Tina sits and then stands and then paces and then sits. She stares at the same word and then sighs, chews on her index finger and then rubs her face and then sits and stands and paces again. What will become of Tina? Will she spell "commitment" wrong and lose her goon license? Will I spell it wrong on purpose and lose mine? The cheeks are turning a pale white, call the commissioner, call a religious representative. I am frozen in Itasca.